Change

Lately I have been thinking about my life and where it has been.  This time two years ago I was planning the event that would bring a shooting celebrity to my podunk home town.  Later I saw my hard work pay off when I got to meet a leader in the shooting sports.  When he performed in Perryton.  This time last year I was preparing a speech for the state competition about what had happened the year before.  I went through multiple mock interviews in preparation for a scholarship interview.  That interview went on to help me in making it through college.  All while wondering about  how my life was going to change when I moved hundreds of miles from home.  

And this year.  This year, I have lived away from my parents for an entire school year.  I have meet tons of people I will love for life.  Friends who no matter if I see them every week, or a whole year goes by before I see them, I love and cherish every moment.  Since the beginning of this year a lot of things have changed.  I have grown and matured, loosened up, and realized that some things are not as important as I want to make them.  

Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”  I don’t know why God has given me the desires of my heart, because I know I have not made Him the center of my life.  I have tried to but Him there, but more often than not my independent self thinks I can do it alone.  I can ask why I have been blessed the way I have a hundred times and the answer remains the same.  I don’t know why, but I know one thing.  My Father loves me.  Today I remembered the song “How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure.”  That is what I keep hearing when I look at my life.  

I have spent two weeks in Alaska in the last 14 months, and in that time a desire of my heart became to spend more time there.  I am getting ready to spend two and a half months serving there.  This is something a year ago I wouldn’t have even dreamed was possible, and how it came to be is one long, cool, amazing, only God could do that story.  

Another desire I had was for a group of close friends I can call on no matter what.  Friends, I know will answer, will laugh with and sometimes at me.  Friends who will confront me when something needs to change, who will give me good advice.  I have these friends in my life now, guys and girls, my age and some who are slightly older and  much wiser.  

Family, that has to be the hardest part about being hundreds of miles from home, I can’t see my family.  But God gave me another family here.  A second mom who worries about me, takes care of me, listens to me, and most importantly loves me.  A dad who has given me advice I swear could have come from the man who raised me.  Who looks me in the eye and tells me God has a plan for me and the struggles I am going through will one day end.  Two people who have given me the honor of being in their girls lives.  So I can have that little girl sit on my lap during church, so I can laugh at the craziness of being around a six and ten year old, and the challenge of being a good example.  They have welcomed me into their family, let me love them, and invested in me.  And now I can’t imagine my life without them.

All of these things are desires of my heart that God has given me.  Why I don’t know, and I probably never will.  So, now I try and show the love I have received to those around me.  Share some of the blessings in my life with others and once again, like dozens of other times, put Christ back where He belongs.  In the center, because without Him, I wouldn’t have the things I have now.  

Mistakes

As I sit outside on this beautiful night, I have studied for my test.  And know I am just enjoying the beauty of God's creation.  I am listening to the song "In Christ Alone"  if you haven't ever heard this song I strongly encourage you to find it and listen to it.  I have always loved this song, and last year it became my prayer for Nome.  It speaks of how Christ is our hope, our light, only in Him can we be complete.  Lately I have been struggling with not caring about school.  I have been counting down the days until the end of the semester, while I don't think there is anything bad about that, I should care a little about how I do in school this semester.  

I am super excited about being in Alaska this summer and part of the reason I want this semester to end is because when finals are over that means I have two weeks until I leave for Alaska.  I don't think it is wrong for me to want that day to come as quickly as possible.  But I need to remember that when I decided to come to A&M it was because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wanted me.  And I should not put more stock in the fact that I am going to be a summer missionary than I do in the fact that I am a student.  While one seems more spiritual, God placed me here for a purpose.  And I can't be fulfilling that purpose when I am just functioning through school.  Not caring, not trying.  I have struggled with this all semester, plus added stress and excitement of learning I would be gone the whole summer and starting a new job.  While these things have contributed to my success this semester, the biggest thing hurting me has been my attitude.

Coming into this semester, I was looking forward to finishing my first year at college, of having a year of living on my own under my belt.  All these things took away from my care about my classes.  Needless to say the last two weeks I have put a lot of effort into my classes.  But really it is to late for most of them.  I am going to have a bad gpa, and as much as I hate that, part of me is glad.  I know now that I have to put a lot of effort into every class from day one.  I have to balance life, school, and work and not just say it will work out.  I am grateful this happened to me early in my college career.  I can fix it now, or at least try to fix it now.  

While this semester is full of mistakes, many that will always be part of my life that I can't get rid of.  I am excited to learn from what I did wrong.  Next semester is a new challenge, a new start.  And between now and then a summer full of excitement, learning, adventure, and Alaska!

Not on me

So other than the fact that the Lady Aggie's are National Champions, last night was an awesome night and in more ways than one.  The game was great, it is always fun to watch a game with friends that are just as into it, if not more than I am.  An apartment full of friends, an awesome game, and fellowship before, during, and afterward.

After the game, our journey group came back to campus to catch up on our Bible study.  While it was awesome, to talk with them, learn with them, and laugh with them.  But the point of this post occurred today.  Jeff asked us to find something to share with the group from our personal bible study this week.  I was up until one last night, watching the game and doing our bible study.  This morning I woke up tired, overwhelmed, and slightly depressed.  But I started praying, because I didn't want to get out of bed and I didn't know what else to do.  After I got ready, I read Philippians 4 because I was looking for Philippians 4:13, I can do all things in Christ.  But I read the whole chapter, it is an awesome chapter.  Full of encouragement and support for me.

Today has been a miracle in my eyes.  I should have been supper tired all day.  But I really didn't ever feel tired.  I had dozens of homework problems due, had to be in class or work from 8 to 5 minus about 3 hours total in between classes and work.  All this to say, my homework is done, I made it through all my classes, and discovered that I am loved and held.

When I took the time to say "God I can't do this anymore, I need your help."  I read Philippians 4, saw all the awesome truths and promises in that chapter.  Why don't I let God handle my problems everyday?  Why do I feel like I have to make it on my own?  Today, was a miracle in my life, I saw how big my God is.  He loves me, holds me, and wants the best for me.

Several weeks ago when I was feeling really down, I got in bed, and cried out to God.  In that moment I felt Him hold me, and I got this picture in my head.  It was of my Dad, or any guy I trust giving me a hug, holding me, protecting me, showing me he loves me, telling me it will be okay.  I could feel Him holding me, protecting me, loving me.  I saw the picture we had from Sunday School, wit the giant hand holding the globe.  And I thought that is a bunch of crap, I don't want a God who holds the whole world, a world where when you look at the whole thing you can't even see me.  You can't tell if I am alive or dead, happy or sad.  I want a God that holds me, in the best of times and in the worst of times, my God will hold me and uphold me.

And the best news, all I have to do is let go and let Him be there for me.  So if you are one of those people who remind me of who my God is; Thank You!  You guys are the reason I am who I am .  If you are one of those guys who has held me when I was breaking; Thank You!  You have no idea how much it means to have friends I can lean on.  And a God who holds me.

Mom

Earlier this week I wrote about how awesome my dad is.  And I needed to do that because I had to quit hiding and be more open.  So I am going to continue that trend today.  I have never been very good at telling people what I am feeling while I am with them, but if I write it down, it usually makes sense and is more accurate.  So today I want to write about my mom.

Mom has to be the one person I take for granted the most.  There were times in my life when I did not want anything to do with her.  I know now, that I deeply hurt her, yet she never stopped loving me.  All of my life Mom was more than just that motherly figure, she was also my teacher, and thankfully recently I have allowed her to be the friend she always wanted to be.

Not a lot of women can stay at home with eight kids, take care of the house, and educate her children.  My mom did all of that plus some, like living in a single wide trailer house for three years while we built a house.  Or just the fact that she is a farmers wife, and is constantly being thrown a different plan every few minutes.

All of these things contribute to making my mom the awesome amazing women she is, but the coolest thing to me is that she is all this while also being an amazing example of what a women of faith should be.  I know I made it hard on my mom for most of my life, and as much as I wish I could change that I can't.  All I can do is try to show how much she has impacted me, and how much I love and appreciate her.

So Mom, just like Dad you are my hero, and I can't thank you enough for raising me the way you did.
"Her children arise and call her blessed;"