Home

Have you ever wondered where you really belong?  The place God has designed you to be?  He might take you somewhere else, or you might have to be patient and wait for a while before you are home.  But that place where no matter what you fit, it is truly home.

I have thought about that a lot lately.  I think it came to mind a couple weeks ago.  I realized that I am me when I am in jeans and boots.  Or cargo pants and hiking boots.   Because of some craziness in my schedule I had a reason to wear a skirt two times that week.  And it donned on me that I am more comfortable in a skirt than I am in shorts.  This is  big deal since I have always despised skirts.  I hate them, yes I have worn them my whole life and will continue to wear them.  But in general they are not something I desire to put on my body.

I decided I want to live somewhere where I can wake up every morning and put on jeans if I want.  Not where I have to wear shorts just to be able to function because it is so hot and humid.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God sent me to College Station for school and this is where I am for now.  But I cannot wait for they day when I get to go "home."

I don't know where it will be, will it be one of the many places I have called home? The old farm house East of town, or the camper and trailer house.  The house I helped build with my own two hands.  The dorm room or town house I have called home in College Station.  Or the house in the cul-de-sac with woods for a backyard.

Who knows how long it will be before I get to that place where I will truly feel at home.  So right now I   try to remember that no place on earth will ever truly be my home.  Only in Christ can I be truly content.  And only when I rely on him for everything will I ever be whole.  No matter how out of place I feel where I am living, or how much I think I would be at home somewhere else, in all reality.  No matter where I go, or what I do unless I am whole through Christ I will never feel at home.

Light

  light 1 |līt|
noun1 the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible
Such a short simple word.  But so often it provokes thoughts of other words.  Some that come to my mind.  God, healing, hope, love, faith, and most recently family.  
About a year ago I received an email from a wonderful family at the church I was attending at college.  Then nearly three months later, after many attempts, I finally had the blessing of meeting this wonderful family.  And my life has never been the same.  I now have a family to eat lunch with on Sunday.  Two people who can give me guidance and wisdom while my parents are hundreds of miles away.  Two little girls I can play with, and hopefully encourage as they grow up.    I have people who would help me when I needed it, that will go out of their way to help me.
Then when I returned to college after the summer this family gave me the opportunity to become part of another family.  This one being an adult Sunday School class I started attending.  I know they must wish that I was not there sometimes.  I can't imagine they are always overjoyed to have a 19 year old girl in their class.  But I have never felt anything but acceptance and love from everyone.
I have seen this class that is more like a family than a class go through life together.  I see them stand around and talk and drink coffee before Sunday School starts.  I watch them pour into each others lives.  I have seen them rejoice together.  I have seen them love each other.  I have seen them work together.  And most recently I have seen them mourn together.  
There is nothing that can pull people together or pull people apart faster than losing someone you love.  I have been blessed to see the people around me join together and support each other during this difficult time.  I have watched them move out to help others in our community while struggling with the hurt in their hearts.  Today I was privileged enough to work alongside them as we cleaned up a cemetery to make it clean and presentable.  We worked for hours in the dirt and sun to see an area transformed.  And knowing what these precious people are going through yet they can still go out and bless those around them is amazing to see.  
So now when I hear the word light, I see faces, faces of men and women who have given me the opportunity to learn from them.  Who have given me the blessing of being part of their lives.  Who have allowed me to intrude on their lives.  Men and women who even though they didn't know me from Adam a few months ago, have already poured so much love and encouragement into me.  
Thank you seems so inadequate.  But it is as good as I can do.  Thank you for letting me be part of your life.  Thank you for letting me see you love, and for letting me see you cry.  I will never be the same because of what you have done in my life.  And I am eternally grateful.  You are all in my prayers.  I love you. 

Venting

I know it has been while since I updated and I am sorry.  And tonight I am not exactly sure what is going to come out.  

One of the things that has been frustrating me lately is basically life in general.  But more recently how so often life gets in the way of some of my passions.  I love Alaska, I think I will be going back over spring break to continue the relationships I have been blessed to start.  This last week a couple of my friends asked me about spring break.

They where both so excited to go.  I know God would use them both in such amazing ways.  They made my month when they asked me about it. To see someone else start to get what is going on up there and be excited about going, was the biggest blessing I have had in a long time.  

Then when they asked me how much it was going to cost.  I had to tell them.  And I watched their faces droop.  How they got depressed realizing how much they would have to give up to go.  Not only time, but money as well.  And how they might not be able to go because of the cost.  

I know God will provide, he always has, but right now I am just frustrated.  Honestly this has been hard for me.  It is part of the reason I haven't been sure about going myself.  

So I am done venting. And I guess I have to let it go and let God do His thing.  Something that is easier said than done right now. 

1 Thessalonians 2:8

One of the things we did last weekend during the Baptist Student Ministries Leadership Retreat was, a memorization and meditation time.  They had several cards with verses laying out, one of the verses they had was 1 Thessalonians 2:8  “We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.”  As soon as I saw it I knew it was the verse I wanted to work on.  

As I sat on the couch reading over this verse, I thought back to my summer in Alaska.  This verse describes our team from this summer to a “t.”  I wrote a little in my journal.  “1 Thessalonians 2:8-This verse jumped out at me.  It spoke what I feel in my heart so well.  Not only am I delighted to share the gospel with the people of Alaska, but my life too.  What makes me laugh, what makes me  cry, what hurts, what comforts, where I grew up, who my family is.  Everything about me is theirs to know because I love them so much.”  

I don’t care if it hurts me to share, if it helps one person, then it is worth all the pain.  I had the privilege to share with one person this summer some of my life experiences.  While it hurt to share them, I know it helped, and that was all that mattered.  If sharing the mistakes I have made can help one person get through what I have gone through, or better yet, keep them from making the same mistakes.  It is worth all the pain and heartache I might feel while sharing them.  The people of Alaska have become so dear to me not only will I share with them, but I want to share with them.  I love when God speaks to me through His word.  And I really love it when a verse both encourages and challenges me all at the same time.  So that was my cool moment of the weekend, besides getting back to school and all the great people here. 

Family

The last ten weeks of my life, I have been in Alaska.  I left my family, to travel thousands of miles away, to work with a wonderful team who became my family.  Everyday I missed my seven siblings, parents, grandparents, and countless friends.  And everyday I grew closer to the three guys and five girls on my team.  I also had a mother aka Coach Crim, and two other moms, a dad, and  a wonderful aunt.  So today i wanted to say a little about them.  Most of you won't know who I am talking about, but that really doesn't matter.  It matters that I say what they did for me, how they helped me, and how much I love them.

So to start, Brenda Crim, Coach Crim, Mama Crim, guide, counselor, friend.  From the time she forgot us at the airport, to the time she sent us all home even though she asked us not to go.  Loving in confrontation, open with praise and encouragement.  She helped me grow she old me things I needed to hear, but certainly didn't want to hear.  Then helped pray me through applying them in my life.

Cheryl Teal, the only person to make me cry when I left.  The person who gave me perspective on the hard days.  Love everyday.  Encouragement when I needed it most.  The woman who loves through every piece of her being.  Who would die for anyone and stops at nothing to see the vision she has for her and her family, and through God's help she has done it.

Ms. Debbie, the wonderful women who was always there for us.  Would drive us around, make us food.  Encourage us, and offer great godly advice.

Aaron, this guy was my team leader.  He confronted me at the beginning of our trip and asked me to be willing to change and grow.  From that day on I knew I could trust him.  I continued to get more advice, both serious, and sometimes almost comical but good anyway.  Then he got hurt and we had to start counting the days until he would leave.  When he did I realized how much he had become a part of my life.

Bryant, the one thing out of my large family I don't have is a big brother.  The first time I met Bryant I remember simply thinking that he was a great guy.  Then a few days later he, along with the other two guys on my team, stepped into protector role for me.  Bryant, more than the others.  He showed he loved me in ways that where much harder for me to accept than normal.  He forced me allow someone into a part of my life, that no one has been into.  This amazing guy, that has been through so much in life, is stepping out to boldly proclaim his life for Christ.

Cody, the biggest teddy bear on our team.  A huge guy, yet so calm, quiet, and compassionate that he couldn't hurt a bug.  I got to witness him transform into a man searching for God's will in his life.  It was a privilege to watch him grow and mature over the summer.

Daniel, the turkey who had the gall to beat me back to Alaska, then not leave when he was supposed too!  But through the summer I realized how much he has helped me.  He is the one would look me in the eye and tell me what I needed to hear to grow in Christ.  He is the one who sat me down in the barn and told me I was doing a great job, when I felt like a failure for messing everything up.  The guy I can talk about anything with and who I know will be there for me.

Whitney, the one and only person who I can honestly blame for so many of the challenges I faced throughout the summer.  She prayed for me and goodness knows I need it.  Whit is the person who would look at me and we could calm each other.  Sometimes me helping her, but more often than not, her helping me.

Brittany, to watch this girl with children is amazing.  She has no shortage of songs, skits, and crafts to help minister to and encourage kids.  She challenged and encouraged me to be more like Christ.  In everything I do.

Katelyn, the poor longhorn amongst all of us overbearing aggies.  Her famous quote of "make good life choices"  was often heard, and sometimes I was smart enough to listen to her.  The quiet, yet so wise in all her advice.  She was always there for me, so often it was hard to listen.  Yet she kept trying.

Jackie, this always smiling, always happy, always ready to give anything needed to help out her team.  There was never a day when Jackie couldn't make all of us smile and laugh.  She is the one who was 100% open and honest.  She didn't hide, never tried to change her past.  Just accepted it and asked us to see her as she is, not who she was.

Mia, quiet Mia from East Texas, calm always ready to offer a hug and encouraging word.  She would sit beside me and offer a silent encouragement.  Never pushy just available to hear what ever I needed to say.

The Beach

This was written while I was sitting on the beach earlier this evening.

As I sit here on the beach thinking about life.  I see the ocean and the waves rolling in.  The mountains in the distance and the fisherman in the cove.  And I think of how different this "home" to me is than the home where I grew up.  Texas is in a drought the whole place is about to burst into flames.  How it is so green and beautiful.  I love them both so much.  Neither is "bad" or "good" just different.

I think of people, how I am hard working, task oriented, blow over people, get the job done.  Others are let's meet the people, see where they are at, worry about the job later, if ever.  Neither is just different.  Both states are in need of so many things.  But they are how God made them.  Just as I need to grow and see the people involved in the job.  God gave me drive it just needs to be tweaked for his ultimate glory.

Two lives, two states, all beautiful, perfect creations, they just all need God's help.  None are all God has for them.  But am I open to the pain that comes with change?  Will I grit my teeth, endure, prevail, and become more like Christ.  Or will I stay stuck in my ways refusing to budge.  Not only being less effective, but hurting the kingdom at the same time.  I am not sure where I am at.  But I am praying for the heart to accept change.

The Beach where I will be serving this weekend

A word, a Story, a Meaning, I think

enable |enˈābəl|verb [ trans. ]give (someone or something) the authority or means to do something :
Last week there one of the projects we (I mean the guys) had was to cut down about a dozen trees, de-limb them, cut them into firewood, and haul off the brush.  When this project was started we had two chainsaws that where okay, but just not big enough.  So since I took a small engine repair class this spring and knew a little bit about them I asked if I could tinker with the chainsaws.  So I took them apart, cleaned them up and tinkered with them a little.  After I finished the chainsaws started on the first pull.  It had been taking numerous pulls  to start them before.  I also sharpened an axe, two pick axes, a pair of cutters, and a machete.  This was no easy task either, some of the blades where so dull they where nearly flat where we wanted a sharp edge.  In short I enabled the guys to do their job.   
There are many places in scripture we are reminded to bear each others burdens, support one another, and more.  One of the ones we have focused on while I have been here is how Aaron and Hur supported Moses.  But Moses’ hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set. Exodus 12:12Then in Isaiah it speaks of encouraging the tired.  Isaiah 35:3 Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble.  In Matthew 5 we are called to go the extra mile, give the extra coat.  If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. 

All of these verses remind me of what I am called to do. I am called to encourage, enable, support, hold up, serve, and show Christ through my actions. James 2:18 “You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.” So while I loved being able to one, fix something the guys had no idea how to fix, and two getting to be outside and working hard.  What I loved the most was being able to enable them to do their work.  So wheather it is fixing a chainsaw, helping hook up trailers, cleaning, cooking, or preparing food.  I am enabling those around me.  And it is awesome!

Sunlight and Water

Over the last two weeks or so I have been able to go on several walks and hikes around Anchorage.  Friday night we went to Winner Creek this gorgeous trail made me think of two of my favorite things in nature. 

First Sunlight

Second running water

Friday was the first time I have ever heard rushing water. I have seen creeks, lakes, and even the ocean, but to see and hear the rushing water was a new amazing experience.  

I started thinking about why I loved these two things so much and I came up with a few reasons.

First on the sun, my home is a place that has some of the most amazing sunsets and sunrises.  So often when I am home I take for granted the beauty God gives me on a nearly daily bases.  So my time in Alaska has reminded me of how awesome that is.  Because while I have no shortage of sunlight, and I love it, I have seen one sunset while I have been here, and no sunrises.  


And on the other hand I think I love the rushing water so much because I have had so little exposure to it.  I have always loved rain, but to see the power of tons of water rushing through such a small space is outstanding.  I can't even explain how I felt watching the power of the water move under my feet. 

God reminds me of these two parts of nature.  He is like the sunlight, that is always there even when I can't see it.  So often the most beautiful time of day is right before or after the darkest part.  But even when it is dark, the sun is still there revealing itself to someone somewhere else.  

"The heavens are telling of the glory of God; 

And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands."

Psalm 19:1

Sisters

The last eight months of my life have been spent away from my three sisters for the first time in my life.  This last week I got to spend some much needed quality time with one sister and am back home with another one for a few days.  The little time I have had with them the last few days has reminded me how lucky I am.  My family is growing and changing, and as hard as that is to take sometimes, it is a good thing.  So this post is dedicated to my sisters.

Rachel is the oldest and while I haven't seen her in over a year and a half, we are probably just as close, if not closer than we have ever been.  I can't wait for her to get home, then for me to get home so I can see her.  She is spending her time loving on people in another part of the world.  She is the person I always saw as perfect, she was good at everything, the first born, and had no problem tackling any problem sat in front of her.  And because she was so awesome, and because we are both a little stubborn, we pretty much always butted heads and I kind of hated her for a lot of my life.  But that is behind me now, and I am just grateful for having such an awesome role model in my life.  It is made better by the fact no matter what she can't get rid of me, she is stuck with me as my sister. 

Alana is between Rachel and I, more often than not she would be the peacemaker while we were growing up.  Alana has her niche in the world and it has allowed her to serve in many awesome places.  I have had the privilege to see her expand her ministry and learn to be content in where God has placed her.  I have watched her life change and seen her be granted dreams many thought impossible.  I have crashed at her house and been oh so thankful God has put her between my college home, and home home. Alana has been a great sister and amazing friend. 

Rachel and Alana where always great friends growing up I often felt left out.  As we got older I just accepted it and moved on.  Then one day I had this awesome thought when I was feeling like the third wheel, "Realized tonight that I might always be destined to be the third wheel, it might not always be a bad thing.  After all sometimes the third wheel is needed for added balance, security, stability, and perspective."  God has shown me so many things through life and I can honestly say many of them have come from my big sisters.  So even though it is sometimes hard to be the third daughter, it is all worth it in the end. 

Then there is my little sister Lydia.  My relationship with her is so different from that of Rachel and Alana, manly becuase she is younger than me.  The last few years I have been able to be close to Lydia, and then I moved to college and left her alone in a house full of boys.  Lydia reminds me to enjoy the simple things in life.  So often I get caught up in what has to be done, how much school I have to do, and then I get a homemade card from my little sister and I am reminded that there is more going on in the world than I am seeing.  Lydia loves me even when I don't want to talk to her.  She is always around and  I can't imagine my life without her.  

While it is a little strange to have three sisters so very different, I love them all and wouldn't trade them for the world.  I am so grateful I have learned to appreciate them.  For so long I wished them out of my life, but now, I wish we could be together more often.  My sisters are amazing.  Probably three of the most amazing people I know, and the best part is, I get to call them sis. 

Change

Lately I have been thinking about my life and where it has been.  This time two years ago I was planning the event that would bring a shooting celebrity to my podunk home town.  Later I saw my hard work pay off when I got to meet a leader in the shooting sports.  When he performed in Perryton.  This time last year I was preparing a speech for the state competition about what had happened the year before.  I went through multiple mock interviews in preparation for a scholarship interview.  That interview went on to help me in making it through college.  All while wondering about  how my life was going to change when I moved hundreds of miles from home.  

And this year.  This year, I have lived away from my parents for an entire school year.  I have meet tons of people I will love for life.  Friends who no matter if I see them every week, or a whole year goes by before I see them, I love and cherish every moment.  Since the beginning of this year a lot of things have changed.  I have grown and matured, loosened up, and realized that some things are not as important as I want to make them.  

Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”  I don’t know why God has given me the desires of my heart, because I know I have not made Him the center of my life.  I have tried to but Him there, but more often than not my independent self thinks I can do it alone.  I can ask why I have been blessed the way I have a hundred times and the answer remains the same.  I don’t know why, but I know one thing.  My Father loves me.  Today I remembered the song “How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure.”  That is what I keep hearing when I look at my life.  

I have spent two weeks in Alaska in the last 14 months, and in that time a desire of my heart became to spend more time there.  I am getting ready to spend two and a half months serving there.  This is something a year ago I wouldn’t have even dreamed was possible, and how it came to be is one long, cool, amazing, only God could do that story.  

Another desire I had was for a group of close friends I can call on no matter what.  Friends, I know will answer, will laugh with and sometimes at me.  Friends who will confront me when something needs to change, who will give me good advice.  I have these friends in my life now, guys and girls, my age and some who are slightly older and  much wiser.  

Family, that has to be the hardest part about being hundreds of miles from home, I can’t see my family.  But God gave me another family here.  A second mom who worries about me, takes care of me, listens to me, and most importantly loves me.  A dad who has given me advice I swear could have come from the man who raised me.  Who looks me in the eye and tells me God has a plan for me and the struggles I am going through will one day end.  Two people who have given me the honor of being in their girls lives.  So I can have that little girl sit on my lap during church, so I can laugh at the craziness of being around a six and ten year old, and the challenge of being a good example.  They have welcomed me into their family, let me love them, and invested in me.  And now I can’t imagine my life without them.

All of these things are desires of my heart that God has given me.  Why I don’t know, and I probably never will.  So, now I try and show the love I have received to those around me.  Share some of the blessings in my life with others and once again, like dozens of other times, put Christ back where He belongs.  In the center, because without Him, I wouldn’t have the things I have now.  

Mistakes

As I sit outside on this beautiful night, I have studied for my test.  And know I am just enjoying the beauty of God's creation.  I am listening to the song "In Christ Alone"  if you haven't ever heard this song I strongly encourage you to find it and listen to it.  I have always loved this song, and last year it became my prayer for Nome.  It speaks of how Christ is our hope, our light, only in Him can we be complete.  Lately I have been struggling with not caring about school.  I have been counting down the days until the end of the semester, while I don't think there is anything bad about that, I should care a little about how I do in school this semester.  

I am super excited about being in Alaska this summer and part of the reason I want this semester to end is because when finals are over that means I have two weeks until I leave for Alaska.  I don't think it is wrong for me to want that day to come as quickly as possible.  But I need to remember that when I decided to come to A&M it was because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wanted me.  And I should not put more stock in the fact that I am going to be a summer missionary than I do in the fact that I am a student.  While one seems more spiritual, God placed me here for a purpose.  And I can't be fulfilling that purpose when I am just functioning through school.  Not caring, not trying.  I have struggled with this all semester, plus added stress and excitement of learning I would be gone the whole summer and starting a new job.  While these things have contributed to my success this semester, the biggest thing hurting me has been my attitude.

Coming into this semester, I was looking forward to finishing my first year at college, of having a year of living on my own under my belt.  All these things took away from my care about my classes.  Needless to say the last two weeks I have put a lot of effort into my classes.  But really it is to late for most of them.  I am going to have a bad gpa, and as much as I hate that, part of me is glad.  I know now that I have to put a lot of effort into every class from day one.  I have to balance life, school, and work and not just say it will work out.  I am grateful this happened to me early in my college career.  I can fix it now, or at least try to fix it now.  

While this semester is full of mistakes, many that will always be part of my life that I can't get rid of.  I am excited to learn from what I did wrong.  Next semester is a new challenge, a new start.  And between now and then a summer full of excitement, learning, adventure, and Alaska!

Not on me

So other than the fact that the Lady Aggie's are National Champions, last night was an awesome night and in more ways than one.  The game was great, it is always fun to watch a game with friends that are just as into it, if not more than I am.  An apartment full of friends, an awesome game, and fellowship before, during, and afterward.

After the game, our journey group came back to campus to catch up on our Bible study.  While it was awesome, to talk with them, learn with them, and laugh with them.  But the point of this post occurred today.  Jeff asked us to find something to share with the group from our personal bible study this week.  I was up until one last night, watching the game and doing our bible study.  This morning I woke up tired, overwhelmed, and slightly depressed.  But I started praying, because I didn't want to get out of bed and I didn't know what else to do.  After I got ready, I read Philippians 4 because I was looking for Philippians 4:13, I can do all things in Christ.  But I read the whole chapter, it is an awesome chapter.  Full of encouragement and support for me.

Today has been a miracle in my eyes.  I should have been supper tired all day.  But I really didn't ever feel tired.  I had dozens of homework problems due, had to be in class or work from 8 to 5 minus about 3 hours total in between classes and work.  All this to say, my homework is done, I made it through all my classes, and discovered that I am loved and held.

When I took the time to say "God I can't do this anymore, I need your help."  I read Philippians 4, saw all the awesome truths and promises in that chapter.  Why don't I let God handle my problems everyday?  Why do I feel like I have to make it on my own?  Today, was a miracle in my life, I saw how big my God is.  He loves me, holds me, and wants the best for me.

Several weeks ago when I was feeling really down, I got in bed, and cried out to God.  In that moment I felt Him hold me, and I got this picture in my head.  It was of my Dad, or any guy I trust giving me a hug, holding me, protecting me, showing me he loves me, telling me it will be okay.  I could feel Him holding me, protecting me, loving me.  I saw the picture we had from Sunday School, wit the giant hand holding the globe.  And I thought that is a bunch of crap, I don't want a God who holds the whole world, a world where when you look at the whole thing you can't even see me.  You can't tell if I am alive or dead, happy or sad.  I want a God that holds me, in the best of times and in the worst of times, my God will hold me and uphold me.

And the best news, all I have to do is let go and let Him be there for me.  So if you are one of those people who remind me of who my God is; Thank You!  You guys are the reason I am who I am .  If you are one of those guys who has held me when I was breaking; Thank You!  You have no idea how much it means to have friends I can lean on.  And a God who holds me.

Mom

Earlier this week I wrote about how awesome my dad is.  And I needed to do that because I had to quit hiding and be more open.  So I am going to continue that trend today.  I have never been very good at telling people what I am feeling while I am with them, but if I write it down, it usually makes sense and is more accurate.  So today I want to write about my mom.

Mom has to be the one person I take for granted the most.  There were times in my life when I did not want anything to do with her.  I know now, that I deeply hurt her, yet she never stopped loving me.  All of my life Mom was more than just that motherly figure, she was also my teacher, and thankfully recently I have allowed her to be the friend she always wanted to be.

Not a lot of women can stay at home with eight kids, take care of the house, and educate her children.  My mom did all of that plus some, like living in a single wide trailer house for three years while we built a house.  Or just the fact that she is a farmers wife, and is constantly being thrown a different plan every few minutes.

All of these things contribute to making my mom the awesome amazing women she is, but the coolest thing to me is that she is all this while also being an amazing example of what a women of faith should be.  I know I made it hard on my mom for most of my life, and as much as I wish I could change that I can't.  All I can do is try to show how much she has impacted me, and how much I love and appreciate her.

So Mom, just like Dad you are my hero, and I can't thank you enough for raising me the way you did.
"Her children arise and call her blessed;"

Nome, Alaska

So I am not really sure what to write about.  My trip to Nome was so awesome and yet so radically diffrent from last year I am still processing a little bit.  A lot happened, I did some awesome and amazing things, and I learned a whole heeping lot about myself.

If I could describe this trip in one word it would be relationships.  I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with people, talking to them, beinging challeneged, and hopefully an encouragment to them.  So I am going to share a few stories of some of the people I got to serve next to. 

Caroline and I at the finish line

I met Caroline last year in Nome, she is one awesome young lady.  When I saw her for the first time this year, I grabbed her shoulders and just looked at her, it took her a few seconds, but then she screamed "Sarah, I didn't know you were coming."  That one moment with her would have been worth my whole trip.  But that wasn't the end, on the day of the finish we spend a couple of hours, just the two of us.  We watched Baker win, played on the Bering Sea, at candy, and my favorite, skipped down Front Street.  I love this girl, and to be able to see her some over the summer is going to be such a huge blessing.

Cheryl and I at the Concession Stand

Cheryl is Carolines mom, and its easy to see why Caroline is as awesome as she is.  Cheryl has been such a reminder of how with God's help we can do anything.  Cheryl and Candy (who I don't have a picture with :( 

work in the Concession Stand everyday from Sunday to Saturday, often 14 or more hours each day.  Cheryl is one lady I am proud to know and maybe one day I can be half as awesome as she is. 

James, Nathan, and I

James and Nathan are two boys from Nome that I had the privilage of spending some time with.  One of my favorite memories with them is walking from the minnie back to the church.  It took us a good 30 minutes to make a walk that should take about seven.  But we had to stop to play in the snow bank, take pictures under the arch, slide down the hill in the parking lot, and basically laugh and play our way back to the church.  These boys are awesome and I can't wait for the day when they are changing the world.

Lisa and Kirsten

I don't know what to say about these two women.  I grew up with both of them, but until recently didn't relize how totally super awesom and amazing they are.  Both of them have such a huge heart for God and those around them it amazes me.  One of the greatest parts about this trip was seeing them fall in love with the people of Nome and go out of their way to serve them.  It blessed me in ways they probably don't even know.  I love these two girls, and can't wait to see where God sends them next.  But I am putting my money on Alaska for both of them. 

Linzey and I

How do you tell the world about someone who has come beside you, encouraged you, laughed at/with you, and made you relize how great a God we serve?  I don't know but that is just a little of what Linzey has done for me.  I had the amazing opportunity to hang out with this girl nearly everyday.  And everyday was better than the one before.  I met her last year and loved her then, but now I can't imagine my life without her there.  She helped me to see some things I need to work on, helped me in some of the struggles I had while in Nome.  And overall was a sounding board for me when everything else was weighing down on me.  Linzey was a huge blessing to me while we where in Nome.  But the most awesome thing (besides the fact she is Linz) is that I can still call her, and even see her if I need to, because God has placed us near each other in our daily lives. 

Daniel, Me, and Caroline at the finish

The whole week was a ton of fun, I don't have pictures of everyone I got to know and work with, but the few above give you a little glimps into the awesome week I had.  I am so blessed with the friends and family I have, and this week in Nome just made that circle bigger.

All of these pictures represent special people in my life, and many memories.  I hope you enjoyed them.

My Hero

I know you guys are anticipating a post about my time in Nome and I promise that will come, maybe even today.  But right now I want to take time to tell you about my hero.

This last weekend, right after my Math test Friday drove back to Perryton for the weekend so I could share about my trip to Nome.  I loved my time at home, however brief it was and Sunday after lunch I was back in the car to head back here. I was rockin and  rollin until I got to Childress, and when I got there, my car just decided to quit.  I pulled over, thinking I would let it cool, then continue on.  After many different attempts to start it, get help starting it, and finally giving up.  The decision was made for Dad to bring me the Toyota, and take the Honda back to Perryton.

Why this post is supposed to be about my hero, is because, I discovered, while verbally journaling on the way home, and the fact that he drove over three hours to rescue me, how awesome my Dad is.  He was supposed to be reporting to church about his trip to Nashville.  The trip he took with the rest of our family, instead he is in the pickup coming to save me.  I know he always would have done it, but it was really big for me at that moment. 

I have always loved my dad, been fairly close to him, and known how awesome he was.  But a year ago that was even more obvious as we traveled to Alaska together.  While there is a lot I could say about that, basically, when multiple people tell you in one week, often in the same day how blessed you are to have the dad you do.  You sit up and take notice.  And I did, so that week will always be one of my most treasured memories out of my entire life.  Then when Mom and Dad went to Alaska for their anniversary, they both shared with me how everywhere they looked, they knew I would love it there.  They also set me on a journey to spend a summer ministering in Alaska.

When I got the email telling me I was appointed to a summer long, trip to Alaska, I called my Mom, she didn't answer so I called Dad.  When I told him where I could go, I remember him saying something along the lines of "your going to love it, you will do awesome, that is great."  After he said that I told him, I hadn't even read the email yet, much less thought or prayed about it.  His response was basically telling me he had no doubt where I would be this summer. 

This weekend, as I was talking my thoughts out, I realized that my dad knew if I accepted this position I wouldn't be around to help him this summer.  He knew it would make his summer more difficult, and would make the summer more difficult on everyone.  But, what I realized was Dad could have when I called him, challenged me to think about being in Perryton, he could have told me I needed to be double, and triple certain this was where God had me.  But he didn't, he just said go. 

In that moment, he showed me his unending love for me.  While I never had a doubt I would be supported if I went to Alaska for the summer, this no hesitation, blessing was huge for me.  I told Dad this weekend what it meant to me.  He knows, but I want everyone else to know as well, if your in my family tell Dad thanks.  He deserves it.  If you see him, give him a hug for me.  Being 600 miles away makes that difficult for me.

I know this verse is referring to mothers, but I think it fits, "Her children arise and call her blessed;"
I love you Dad!

Nome Alaska

Yesterday, Kirsten had the opportunity to attend a tea with several of the other women here.  This was a huge break through for the mission effort up here.  The opportunity to share Christ through, bible in the buckets, dress packs, and conversation.  Kirsten's experience there was awesome, she has shared with us about how being given things that will help them, opened their hearts to the hope of Christ.

As Kirsten was experiencing the awesome breakthrough from the woman's tea, Lisa and I where working in the concessions stand.  For me it has been extremelly neat to see how I am continuting relationships I started last spring, and developing new ones.  There are three other girls from the College Station area and around our age.  It has been neat to see us bond, laugh, and share with others.  Even right at this instance as I am writing, four other awesome girls are sitting around me talking about our experiences so far. 

I am a little off kilter right now.  I am not sure where I am, and what I am feeling but I know I am seeing God work in amazing ways.  Lisa and Kirsten, are going to work on writing an update and I will try to get another one up right now. 

• Pray for us as we are getting further along on the trip and we are getting tired.  It is a challenge to put ninty people in a small church together and no one get testy.  
• For the people here, especially the women who where ministered to yesterday at the tea.
• That everyone here, native, Alaskan, or tourist would see the love of Christ in all of us here.

This weekend another Aggie and I had a great group of high school girls as our small group.  While I was looking over the lessons last week, I thought they where good and all but I wasn't really sure what to do on preparing.  When we got there I was supper blessed to not have to worry about encouragaing conversation.  These girls just had questions and comments from whatever scripture we read.  I know in some small groups the leader carries the whole conversation, for one I did not want it to be that way this weekend.  And it wasn't.  I was so encouraged and blessed it was amazing.  Yes I am functioning off of 12 hours of sleep from the last two nights and lots of caffine.  I could have had more sleep, but I would have missed getting to know some of the things I know about these girls in Waller. I would have missed the blessing of hearing them talk about their struggles, or sitting on the bed laughing and learning about their life.

Long story short, I had a great weekend, it has made my life a little more difficult for the next couple of days but I wouldn't change it for anything.  So I guess I have a couple prayer requests.

• Pray for the students of Waller that they would not just have this awesome weekend and then go back to their normal lives and not apply what they learned.
• Pray for the leadership of Waller Baptist Church that they would be able to continue to build off of what the students learned this weekend.
• Pray for me as I work the first part of this week to get all my homework done.  And packed for Alaska.
• Pray that God would prepare me for what He wants to do in me while I am in Nome. 
• Pray for the people of Nome and the surrounding villages, the visitors coming to watch the Iditarod, and the Iditarod volunteers, that we would be able to show Christ's love to them effectively.

I am supper excited about this trip and I can't wait to share what God does with you all.  I promise I will update at least once while I am gone.  And if you are lucky there might even be pictures.

Hope

So two weekends ago I was at Discovery Weekend.  I promised I would let you guys know how it went, and when I tried to last week I couldn't do it.  I was still processing, and figuring out what I was feeling and what it all meant to me.  So here I am today after a week of processing in my head all that happened, then finding out where I was appointed, to processing that, I am ready to tell you all that happened.

While at Discovery Weekend we where asked to do several things.  One of which was to not talk about where we wanted to go with each other.  While I wanted to do this, and tried to, I must admit I broke the rule where they asked us not to talk to each other.  One of the things I loved the most about my time at Discovery Weekend, other than the awesome people I met, was that they repeatedly talked to us about how missions is a life.  Each time I sat down to listen to whatever speaker was there, I constantly heard about how I must make my life a daily mission trip.  Something I wake up everyday and say "I will show Christ's love to those around me in whatever way possible."  One of the things that struck me the most that I was told while at Discovery Weekend was that the goal was not to let us know what trip we would be taking this summer.  But instead, we would simply learn about where we would be going next.  For me that was mind blowing.  It's not a trip, it's a life.

One of the things I struggled with the most leading up to Discovery Weekend was fighting doubts I was having.  The biggest being that I was fighting my hope that I would get to go to Alaska.  I kept trying to shut it down.  To be open to whatever God has in store for me.  I finally realized that it was okay for me to hope to go to Alaska.  I love Alaska, I love the people up there, I would love to spend a summer up there.  It clicked in me that I would be fine, if I didn't get to go to Alaska over the summer, but I didn't have to stop hoping I would get to.  After I realized that I would be content with God telling me to spend the summer anywhere from Alaska, somewhere else, or even home in Perryton, I felt a huge freedom.

So at the end of the weekend when I was asked to fill out my preference card, I wrote the two Alaska trips, first was the summer long trip, second was the four week Salmon Frenzy trip.  I also went to my small group leader and talked to her about how while I would love to go to Alaska, I did not feel a strong sense of God telling me to go.  I wanted her to understand that ultimately I was very open to whatever the committee felt God wanted me to go.  I came back to College Station, went on with my life, trying to focus on what I had learned.  Waiting for the hours to pass to when I would find out where I would be asked to go.  I expected the email to come Thursday or Friday, maybe Wednesday.  But Tuesday night I got the email telling me I had been appointed to the summer long Removing Barriers Alaska trip.

I was so surprised and excited, that I called my parents without reading all of the email.  I then called the women, who is the reason I checked my email that night and an awesome example and blessing in my life.  I still don't think it has totally clicked with me that I am going to Alaska all summer long.  I was so surprised that I was appointed to Alaska.  i couldn't believe it.

So in case you missed it, I will be in Alaska from mid May to early August.  While I do not expect it to be easy, and I know I will be stretched and tested in ways I can't even imagine, I am beyond excited.

Love

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, while I have absolutely no reason to celebrate the traditional Valentines day, I do have a reason to love.  Today in church, Pastor David talked about the Valentine Command, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another."  Each of us as Christians, is  commanded to love those around us.  I have heard this all of my life, but somehow, this morning it really clicked.  I have to love those around me.  One of he things that Pastor Higgs said is "Until I love God like I should, I will never love others like I could."  That really stuck with me.  Lately I have seen over and over how I need to keep God first and center in my life.  Then everything else will work itself out. 


He also said something that scared me a little, he said "Loving others like Jesus did will send me somewhere."  I am leaving for Alaska in a little over twenty days, and I am afraid that I cannot love the people there the way Jesus has called me to love them.  And according to Pastor Higgs, I have o learnt o love Jesus unconditionally before I can even begin o love the people of Alaska. 


Also as many of you know, I applied to be a summer missionary this summer.  This weekend, I am attending Discovery Weekend, his weekend s designed to help me see where God wants me to be this summer.  Who he wants me to serve.  I have been putting off thinking and praying a out where God want me to be, saying I have to wait until Discovery Weekend. And now as this weekend is mere days away, I actually have to look my God in the face and ask Him to reveal his hear to me.  And that is scary for me. 


So, today I want to change what I write here a little.  I would like to ask you to pray for me.  Pray that I will have an open heart to what God has for me.  Pray that my heart will be the hear of God.  Pray that me and all those there this weekend will be open to what God is revealing to us.  


I would also like to ask you to pray for the people of Nome.  Lisa, Kirsten, myself and dozens of other volunteers will descend upon Nome in a few short weeks, pray that all of us would be ready to get our of our comfort zone and be ready to show Christ's love to those around us.  Pray that all the volunteers are able to bridge relationships for Christ with several segments of the race and village community.


I will continue to post new prayer requests as our trip gets closer and I will be sure to post how this weekend goes.  Thank you all for your support for me and everyone else going on this trip.  I would not be where I am today without the support of those around me.  And for that I am supremely grateful. 

Lessons

Yesterday I got an email from my Dad telling me that he wanted to hear about Abide.  I know I said I would tell you guys about it.  But, part of me was hoping that I wouldn’t have to think about what to say and in that way hide from what I had been taught, convicted of, and enjoyed.  No matter how good of a weekend it was, I knew in order to appreciate that, I would have to accept the things God taught me.  So, somewhat unconsciously, I decided to just act like last weekend did not happen.  It was easier to hide, instead of looking forward.  

I decided early last week to spend Friday night and Saturday at a prayer retreat kind of thing, called Abide.  We got their late Friday night and after the opening service I went to  the different experiences.  They where rooms set up for a specific purpose.  Their was Confession, Adoration, the Ends of the Earth, Judea-the lost, Supplication-standing in the gap, Thanksgiving, Jerusalem-Texas campuses, a place for fellowship, and a room where you could create something.  As I looked at the list of all these places I could go, I had a sense that I had to get myself right with God before I could ever begin to be in fellowship with Him.  So after spending about two hours clearing my heart and mind so I could be free I felt tired, like I wanted to go sleep before I entered what I was hoping would be a day full of praise, worship, love, and fellowship.

The next morning I woke up early did my Bible study and then walked down to the lake.  As I stood there looking at the lake, in the cool morning air, thinking about how I was given a new beautiful morning.  I thought of all the times God has given me a second chance.  It happens everyday, yet I rarely stop to say thanks.  Saturday morning opened my eyes and heart to being grateful for what Christ has given me.  I spent a lot of time writing in my journal, one of the things I remember that stood out to me the most happened when I was in the Adoration room.

While in their the people that had set up the room asked us to think about what adoration meant to me.  As I thought about that a picture appeared in my mind.  It was a picture of a newly married couple, ones that when they looked at each other everyone around them knew that they where totally in love with each other.  That when they are apart their spouse is all they can think about, they tell everyone around them about the love of their life.  I was hit with how that should be how I am with Christ.  Everyone should be able to tell by looking at me that  I am in love with Christ.  I should want to tell everyone I see that Jesus is my hero, that he is my all.  When I am not talking to Him, I should be thinking about him.  When I sit in class, I shouldn’t be able to concentrate on my professor, I should be thinking about when I get to be with Christ.  The one word that kept coming to my mind was consuming.  I should be consumed with Christ.  

So know I have been forced to look back on those two days and see what God taught me.  I needed the prompting of my Dad to open up and apply what I was taught.  So thanks Dad, I love you and thanks for the encouragement.  

Prayer, Birthday, Life, Dreams

This weekend has been full of fun, laughter, learning, conviction, and so much more.  Friday I turned 19, my day was a little weird for me when I think about past birthdays.  I have all these memories of past birthdays, my seventh birthday when everything went wrong.  The last several years where I have spent it either getting ready for or right after stock show.  Last year when I turned 18 and I spent my day thinking I would show for the last time the next day, but instead had one of the biggest blizzards Perryton has seen in years.  A day where I missed seeing the women who has been my go to "mom" since I moved to College Station because of the snow.  Where I didn't get to tell her I was accepted into Texas A&M University, a day where neither one of my big sisters where even on the same continent as me.

And two days ago, I had another birthday to remember.  A birthday where even though I had to do homework for part of the day, the first people I saw where the ones who threw me a birthday party yesterday.  The ones who I can go to with joy, tears, hurt, and pain.  Where the first people I talked to where my big sisters, both of who are once again on two other continents.  A day where I was mysteriously called by a guy to later learn that his amazing family is so awesome they got me a cookie cake. I had blueberry pancakes for lunch, then I sat in math class.  Everywhere I turned people wished me happy birthday, either in person or on Facebook. The day where I learned my younger siblings did awesome at stock show.  A day that ended with me in a car with the two most amazing BSM interns in the state.  Then just as it rolled into the day after my birthday, I was in a conversation with the most important person in my life.  Every second of my birthday was spent felling loved and cherished.

More to come later, on Abide and what I learned there.

Thoughts

Today as I sit on the coach wrapped in a fleece blanket, socks, and hoodie because our heater is not working (my thermostat says my room is 62 F) I realized something.  First, I had an awesome weekend with the Beanlands.  Like Mom and Dad said after Keith and Chris came to pheasant hunt it is amazing to see how great Christian fellowship is.  I stepped into their home and instantly felt welcomed by Julie, and when we sat down to eat.  The laughter and teasing started immediately.  By everyone at the table including Kyle.  To make what could be a really long story short, I had such an awesome weekend and I once again realize how amazingly blessed I am.  

Second, as I start this new semester it is a time for new beginnings.  A time for me to focus on what is important.  At the top of my list is my relationship with Christ, second my relationship with those around me here at TAMU.  Third my relationship with the friends and family I am separated from.  And mixed in the middle of all that is my school work and new job. 

An amazing women I met this summer told me that in high school she focused on school and when she got to college she decided that she would focus on her relationships instead of just focusing on school.  She is so wise and this semester I hope to take her advice in every decision I make.  Know off to dinner with friends and then for the first day of school tomorrow.  

Why

I am sure that many of you are wondering why I started this blog.  Why it has a strange url, and why the title is even stranger.  So I will try and explain why I chose the names I did.  The url my light in the shadow  was chosen because it s how I have seen my life for many years on more than one level.


First, as the third daughter and youngest daughter, in our "first" family.  I often felt unworthy, or not good enough compared to my older sisters.  I mean how can I compare, with a state level food and nutrition winner, a girl who finished her college career in two years?  Then moved oversees for another couple of years. 


Or how about my other sister, the one who went oversees at fourteen.  Who has an amazing eye for photography, that she has made into a successful business.  One who lived oversees for a year right out of high school, then decided when she got back to not go to college, but instead leave herself available for on missions opportunity she had.  Not to mention she can write and take pictures that make people cry within seconds of seeing them. 


Not to mention, my brother who can talk his way out of almost anything, or someone else into anything.  And is amazing in the kitchen.  Or the four little kids who continue to amaze me with all they are doing, even for their young age. 


Then there's me.  The girl who while I have been on some mission trips, I have never given more than a few weeks of my time for God.  I am pursuing the "normal" life, graduate from high school, attend college, get a job.  Nothing to exciting for me.  While I truly struggled with not being good enough for years, that is (usually) not a problem for me anymore.  I now know that God made just one me. So I need to be a light to those around me, even while living in the shadow of others. 


Second, it is my desire to be the light in the midst of the shadows cast by sin in my life.  I am not so naive to think that I will ever be sinless.  But I do want to be a Christ's light to those around me even while being my imperfect self.  So that is the story behind the name.


The title, comes from a quote I heard back in my target shooting days.  I heard this from a man who was helping me learn how to be a better shooter.  Shooting is a mental game and the only way to be good at it is to be able to let go of what you do wrong and focus instead on what you did right.  But at the same time seeing what you did wrong and learning from it.  That is my goal in life, to see the mistakes I have made, make the moves necessary to correct them.  Then forget about them, let Christ's love and forgiveness wash over me, and move on to the next challenge in life. 


I won't make any promises about what will be said on here, when I will post or anything.  But my prayer is that by being open,  one person will be encouraged.  If that is all that happens it has been worth  my time.